All About the Hair
by nightbug
Summary: Reno has a theory that he has to prove. There was definitely something strange about those three. Crack.


Summary: Reno has a theory that he has to prove. There was definitely something strange about those three.

* * *

**All About the Hair** by _nightbug_

* * *

Apprehensively, Elena scanned their surroundings. Her back was firmly against the wall as she peeked around the corner, on the lookout for the currently lock-picking Reno.

"I don't think you've thought this through." She muttered, not for the first time.

"Nonsense." Reno batted away the idea as if it shouldn't even have cropped up.

The blonde Turk shot him a glare. "No, I think this is a really bad idea."

"It's not." Reno didn't even look up. His response was partially muddled by the pins he had clamped between his lips.

Elena couldn't help a shake of her head. "You should stop, really. I value my life." She said seriously.

"Pfft."

"You don't even have the energy to formulate an actual response? That's it, I'm outta here." With that, the blonde Turk holstered her gun and marched away, determined to not look behind her. It was Reno's stupid plan in the first place. She was dumb to have listened, thinking it _might_ have been a real assignment. Frowning, she glanced in his direction. The redhead was still crouched by the doorway, eyes steadfastly focused on the advanced ShinRa security lock.

She groaned as she continued walking.

Not her problem.

It was his funeral.

* * *

A few hours later, Elena was casually sipping a cup of tea in the Turks' office when the door slammed open. Reno ambled in, a bit more rumpled and disheveled than when she had last seen him. His clothing was slashed clean through in several places, with hairline cuts decorating his pale and bruised skin. His limbs, however, were otherwise intact, leaving Elena to believe that he had just been very, very lucky.

She raised an eyebrow in question.

"I don't want to talk about it." The redhead muttered. "But I'm not giving up." That said, he kicked open the far door, and passed through into the medical room.

* * *

Wisely, Reno had waited a few days before trying a second attempt. This time he had timed his course of action to not cross with that of the aftermath of a ShinRa meeting gone awry. Damn, his ass still hurt from that. Who knew that the Masamune could be used to bitch slap someone from ten feet away. Seriously, whoever came up with the idea that a man needed a sword that was nearly twice as long as he was tall should be shot.

Repeatedly.

With Scarlet's fucking cannon.

Reno had also actually prepared something akin to a plan. He would strike when his target was leaving the canteen. That would be when he was at his most relaxed and satiated, and maybe even a tad sluggish from eating the way all SOLDIERs did, immeasurably.

He would only get one chance at it though. He had to make it count. Holding a pair of silver blades in his fingers, Reno hid by the exit, as well concealed as the best of Turks. After a few minutes, he could hear the voice of his mark, happily chatting it up with his buddies. Reno tensed, ready for his moment, his sole opening.

A head of spiky sable hair entered his view.

Reno rushed forward. Sensing something, the SOLDIER reacted on instinct, ducking beneath Reno's oncoming strike. The Turk was prepared and adjusted the angle accordingly. Even if it was just a glancing blow, he only needed a little.

_Snip._

A good portion of Zack's prized spikes fell to the ground.

Puzzled, the SOLDIER watched their lazy descent, not recognizing them right away for what they were. Then slowly, he raised a hand to his hair. Top, fine. Back, fine. His fingers paused as he felt over his right ear. There was an unfamiliar bristling sensation beneath the pads of his fingers. He ran over that spot once more, double-checking.

Zack looked up to find Kunsel staring at him, eyes wide.

"Bad?" The First asked.

Silently, his friend nodded. A section of spikes around Zack's right temple had been sheared clean off, giving his head a distinctly uneven look, and something that could almost be called a bald spot.

Zack had spun on his heels in an instant, racing after Reno, but the Turk had already scampered away, scissors tucked into the waistband of his pants.

He ran full tilt into Rude, bouncing off his much more solid partner. Scrambling up from where he had landed on his rear, he patted his friend on the chest with a quick mutter, "you didn't see me." Then he was blasting off down the hallways, taking turns sharply until he was out of sight. A moment later, the heavy booted tread of a SOLDIER came pounding down the corridor.

"You see Reno?" Zack shouted toward the taciturn Turk.

Rude regarded him silently behind his sunglasses. "…"

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Thanks man." Zack gave the dark-skinned Turk a pat on the shoulder and ran after the way Reno had fled.

Straightening up his tie, Rude continued on his way to the office of the Department of Administrative Research.

Later that day, if he saw Reno pass by with a black eye, to go rooting around for Potions in the Rec room, he said nothing of it. However, he couldn't leave without imparting _some_ words of wisdom to his ever aberrant partner.

"Reno." He called out.

The redhead canted his head so he could still fumble around in the cabinet while giving Rude the impression that he was listening.

"You shouldn't run with scissors."

Reno merely grunted as he found a potion, uncapped it, and downed it in one go.

"Also," Rude continued. "I owe Elena fifty gil."

"Fuckin' _shit_!" The redhead cursed. "I'm gonna get it next time! So don't go wasting any more of that betting money that you're gonna owe me!" He yelled loudly, stomping out of the room.

Rude leaned back, calmly sipping his coffee. Inwardly, he wondered what Reno would say when he found out that he owed Tseng one hundred gil.

* * *

"Fuckin' dumbasses." Reno swore under his breath. "Using me for their betting pool. Well, I'll show them. This one _has_ to work, and I'll bet on myself and take 'em all to the slums."

It was late at night, and he was rewiring a dorm lock.

Typically, the locks were a cinch, but this one had extra protection on it. Reno was pretty sure he could fathom a guess why. One of the cadets behind this particular door had a certain special asset that needed more than just regulation security. However, he had already broken into Sephiroth's quarters. A cadet's would be no problem.

Deftly he cut one wire and twisted it with another. With a soft cry of triumph he heard the internal mechanism click, and the door swished open.

Reno slid in without hesitation.

He had thoroughly researched his opponent this time. This night would be the ideal striking time, with a window larger than just an instant. His target's roommates would be out for the night, while the target himself, being the reclusive hermit that he was, would no doubt remain within his quarters. Plus, his habits had been dutifully recorded, as well as his early bedtime.

The Turk smirked to himself as he saw the motionless lump tucked into ShinRa's inadequate bedding.

This would be easier than lifting the latest coffee cache from the Science Department's break room. Perfect.

Though it should be duly noted that the Science Department was a particularly cantankerous sort without their daily dose of caffeine shooting through their systems.

Silently, Reno slid toward his target, his scissors at the ready.

Blonde tufts of hair stuck out wildly from the bedding even in sleep. He aimed for the largest clump, the megaspike that had made the boy ever so unique. Just one snip, and it would all be over. His point would be proven. Rude and Elena would have to suck on that loss, and he'd make back all the money he'd already lost.

His fingers twitched and the blades parted with a soft _shik_ of metal sliding easily over metal. Reno lowered the scissors onto the hair.

Abruptly, the sleeping person rolled over, and Reno hastily withdrew the scissors so he wouldn't accidentally gouge out an eyeball.

Large blue eyes stared at him, blinking curiously.

Reno looked at the scissors in his hand and how he was hunched over the blonde. "Uh, this isn't what it looks like." He blurted. _Real Smooth there, Cassanova._

His eyes flicked toward the large, pointy spike of blonde hair that still defied gravity even while the cadet was sleeping.

"Is there something you need?" The boy asked softly as he sat up from his bed.

"Er…no…" Reno replied distracted. _Holy mother, did those big blue eyes just get_ bluer??

"Can I help you with something?" The blonde questioned, a trace of irritation in his voice.

_Huh, when he gets angry, his eyes light up, like a spitfire_.

Reno shook the divertive thought from his mind. No, he was here on a mission! Behind his back, his hand clasped tighter around the scissors. Tilting his head to one side, he smirked, taking on the arrogant and cocky persona he was known for.

"Well, actually, you can." He said with a leer.

Uncertainly flickered in those bright blue orbs. A mountain-bred pale hand fisted the bedding. "Yes?" Cloud asked carefully.

The red head leaned forward, making sure he was uncomfortably close to the shy blonde.

_Hmm, from this close, he smells pretty good... for a cadet._

"I need you to do me a small favor." Reno whispered. "All you have to do is sit tight, nice, quiet, and still, mmkay?"

Eyes widening, Cloud scrambled back, pressing himself against the wall. "I do believe that's against regulations…sir." The boy said softly, his tone surprisingly calm despite his tensed demeanor.

Reno grinned. "Now, see this uniform I'm wearing?" Blue eyes glanced at the navy Turk suit. "It's not exactly standard issue for your lot. It makes me special, and endows me with certain…privileges…" He trailed off meaningfully.

Cloud swallowed, eyes growing even wider.

_Oh Planet, but doesn't he just have the most innocent expression ever… It just screams _jailbait_!_

A lock of blonde hair fell over the pair of bright blues Reno was staring into. Absently he brushed it away and a glint of silver in his hand startled him.

It must have surprised the boy too because suddenly he found a foot jammed into his gut and then the blonde shot off like a rocket, out the door and around the corner before Reno could recover. He stumbled to the doorway, glaring at the metal scissors he held. Damn, what an amateurish mistake!

He was never gonna hear the end of it now!

* * *

The Rec room door slammed opened, an irate Reno on the other side.

Elena raked her eyes over him, appraising the Turk.

Right arm in cast. Large bandage over left cheek. Lines of linen around forehead, neck, and across chest. All in all, not too bad.

"Seems like I owe some people some money." She said with a tilt of her lips.

Reno glowered at her as she not so discretely handed a few folded bills to Rude.

The tall Turk nodded to his partner. "She bet that you would be in a body cast this morning."

"Shut up." The red head growled as he shuffled past them, Elena taking note of how he favored his right leg. Gingerly, Reno poured himself a cup of coffee.

In a bid of goodwill, Elena tore open four sugar packets for him and dumped them into Reno's mug. "So, I heard that the General himself, and Fair First Class were out for blood yesterday. Am I to surmise that they found their quarry?" She asked teasingly.

"Elena." A cool voice said from the doorway. "Stop picking on Reno."

"Dammit! I can take care of myself!" Reno snapped, whirling on Tseng, who had just entered. His green eyes fixed on billfold that his superior was holding. "What's that for?" He questioned suspiciously.

Tseng silently tossed it on the table. Reluctantly, Rude and Elena began to do the same, dropping various denominations of gil on top of Tseng's money.

"Hey! What is that! Were you guys taking _more_ bets!? Fuck no! It's not over yet!" He declared loudly, defending himself.

His fellow Turks eyed him, then shook their heads and continued counting money out onto the table.

Reno waved about uselessly in his cast. When he saw that he was not going to be acknowledged, he sat down with a huff. "Fine. Who the fuck won, then?"

The three other Turks shared a look.

"Ohhh no. No fuckin' way! You're _shittin'_ me!" Reno leapt to his feet.

"I assure you that they shit you not." Rufus said elegantly as he swept into the room.

"FUCKIN' BOSS?! WHY!?" Reno screeched, his voice hitting piercing pitches.

With only the slightest wince, Rufus sat down at the table smoothly. "For various reasons, but mostly because I could." He tapped the money, eyes roaming over it skillfully, silently tallying it up. Satisfied, a triumphant smile broke over his features.

"You didn't have to bet _against_ me!" Reno shrilled.

"You would never have won until you knew the real reason behind it." Rufus said, lips curling upward.

"Nooo!" Reno wailed, slamming a fist down on the table. "It's the hair, I swear! I _know_ it! Those three have the biggest fanclubs in ShinRa! And that little spiky, pointy-haired cadet has the _biggest_ fanclub of them all. It's gotta be the hair! I mean, just _look_ at it! It defies all gravity!"

He was suitably ignored by the others at the table.

Rufus swiped at the gil in the center, leaning back leisurely to count it. Sure, he was so rich it was disgusting, but money always smelled better when it was won. He smirked over the bills he had fanned out, his blue eyes sparkling.

Elena leaned forward to hear while Tseng tilted his head slightly and Rude just stared forward placidly.

"See, Reno guessed wrong. The power isn't the in the spikiness of the hair," Rufus explained. "It's always been all about the eyes."

* * *

_end_

* * *

Some crack that I wrote to prove I'm still active. I know it's been a while since I updated anything, but I've been busy between the two usual time crunchers: school and work. Hopefully at least one person was entertained by this.

Reno's theory was the spikier the hair, the more popular the person was.


End file.
